What not to say...

to a deployed spouse.

I got this in my email from a friend today, she copied it from another blog. Sorry I don't know whose, would love to give her credit. I thought it fitting with Dragonfly's husband's upcoming deployment. I know that it is difficult to understand the military spouse, its a tough job.

THE WORST THINGS YOU CAN SAY TO A WOMAN WHOSE HUSBAND IS DEPLOYED
(I didn't write this, but definitely agree!)

So, the other day I was talking with a friend whose husband is also currently deployed and we started talking about the most annoying things that usually well-meaning people say to us regarding deployments. We agreed that we are always polite in our responses and that we realize that the offending person usually had only the best of intentions. But here's what we came up with as the things we get asked or told that really make our skin crawl. They're not in any particular order. Feel free to add some of your own in the comments as you wish.

1. "Aren't you afraid that he'll be killed?"
(This one ranks in at number one on my "duh" list. Of course we're afraid. We're terrified. The thought always lingers at the backs of our minds---but thanks, you just brought it back to the front. Maybe next you can go ask someone with cancer if they're scared of dying.)
2. "I don't know how you manage. I don't think I could do it."
(Though this is really annoying, I feel bad about mentioning it because I know that it is intended to be a compliment. Still, it's not like all of us military wives have been dreaming since childhood of the day we'd get to be anxious single moms who carry cell phones with us to the bathroom. We're not made of some mysterious matter that makes us more capable, we just got asked/told to take on a challenging job and we rose to the challenge.)
3. "At least he's not in Iraq."
(This is the number one most annoying comment for my friends whose husbands are in Afghanistan. As one friend put it, "What do they think is happening in Afghanistan? A huge game of golf? Guys are fighting and dying over there, too."
4. "Do you think he'll get to come home forChristmas/anniversary/birthday/birth of achild/wedding/family reunion, etc?"
(Don't you watch the news? No. They don't get to come home for any of these things. Please don'task again.)
5. "What are you going to do to keep yourself busy while he's gone?"
(Short answer: Try to keep my sanity. Maybethere's a military wife out there who gets bored when her husband leaves, but I have yet to meether. For the rest of us, those with and withoutchildren, we find ourselves having to be twopeople. That keeps us plenty busy. We do getlonely, but we don't get bored.)
6. "How much longer does he have until he can get out?"
(This one is annoying to many of us whether ourhusbands are deployed or not. Many of our husbands aren't counting down the days until they "can" get out. Many of them keep signing back up again and again because (gasp!) they love what they do.
7. "This deployment shouldn't be so bad, now that you're used to it."
(Sure, we do learn coping skills. And we figureout ways to make life go smoother while the guys are gone. But it never gets easy and the bullets and bombs don't skip over our guys just becausethey've been there before. The worry never goesaway.)
8. "My husband had to go to Europe for businessonce for three weeks. I totally know what you're going through."
(This one is similar to number two. Do not equate your husband's three week trip toLondon/Omaha/Tokyo/etc. with a one-year deployment to a war zone. Aside from the obvious trip length difference, nobody shot at your husband or tried to blow him up with an I.E.D., your husband could call home pretty much any time he wanted to, he flew comfortably on a commercial plane, slept between crisp white sheets and ate well, paying for everything with an expense account. There is no comparison. We do not feel bonded to you in the slightest because of this comment and, if anything, we probably resent you a bit for comparing a combat deployment to a business trip.
9. "Don't you miss him?"
(Like number one, this one gets a big "duh" from me. Of course we miss our husbands. If we didn't, we'd get divorced.)
10. "Where is that?"
(I don't expect non-military folks to be able to find Anbar Province on a map, but they should know by now that it's in Iraq. Likewise, know that Kabul and Kandahar are in Afghanistan. Know that Muqtada al Sadr is the insurgent leader of the Mahdi Army in Iraq and that Sadr City is his home area. Know that Iran is a major threat to our country and that it is located between Afghanistan and Iraq. Our country has been at war in Afghanistan for six and a half years and at war in Iraq for four years. These basic facts are not secrets; they're on the news every night and in the papers every day ---and on maps everywhere. You've had time to learn it. Do your part by at least knowing what is going on.)

THE WORST THINGS YOU CAN SAY TO A WOMAN WHOSEHUSBANDS COMBAT TOUR HAS BEEN EXTENDED I'm updating my list of things not to say. Onceagain, feel free to add your own "don't says" in the comments.

1. "At least he's not in Iraq."
(Once again, this one tops my list. If you've just found out that your husband's 12-month tour is going to be more like 15, you really don't care where he's not. All you know is that he's not AT HOME. And, once again, they're not playing a huge game of croquet in Afghanistan. There's a big ugly war there, too.)
2. "Well, at least he'll still be home for Christmas/Easter/anniversary/birthday/familyreunion/football season."
(Right. Thanks. That's what I was worried about. Forget IED's, I've been staying up at night crying because I was afraid he might miss Granny's birthday. Whew. Thanks for putting my fears at ease.)
3. "That's not so bad - only five/six/seven/etc. months to go!"
(This is the one that women whowere within sight of the end of the year-long tour have to hear. Sure, maybe he'll be home bySeptember, but he was SUPPOSED to be home in MAY! This one is almost as bad as...
4. "...You've gone this long, what are a few more months?"
(Screw you. That's really the only response I can think of for that one. If it's not so bad, why don't you and your husband (or wife) switch places with us?)
5. "What are you going to tell the kids?"
(Idunno. Let me see what Dr. Spock suggests on this one. Wait, you mean he doesn't have a chapter titled "Mommy and Daddy Weren't Lying to You, I Promise," or, "Daddy's going to miss your birthday again this year." Not in the book? Well, I guess I'll just have to tell them the truth.)
6. "That is so unfair."
(Yes, it is. I'll be sure to alert the fairness police. Maybe they can file a report.)
7. "Can't they send someone else?"
(Hey, nowthere's a thought. Maybe we should send all those soldiers who've just been sitting around for the last six years polishing their weapons? Oh wait, there aren't any. Americans decided that this war was only the responsibility of the people who volunteered for the military and there just aren't enough volunteers. Wanna go see a recruiter?)
8. "At least he's still getting combat pay."
(Not much I can say to that besides that it makes me ill.)
9. "Oh, I hate that he's going to miss Cousin Katie's wedding."
(You have any idea how manysoldiers will be missing THEIR OWN weddingsbecause of tour extensions? Trust me, of all the things he's disappointed about, Cousin Katie'swedding hasn't even entered his mind. I hate that he's going to miss EVERY FREAKIN' THING that happens in our lives for three more months.)
10. "What will you do to stay busy until he gets home?"
(Let's see, I can spend hours on holdtrying to cancel the cruise that I booked for us and then more hours trying to wrestle the cruise company into giving us a refund. I can call allthe people who had planned to visit us and tellthem to postpone their trips. I can stay up atnight consoling kids who are too young tounderstand why their daddy still isn't home, and then stay up even later trying to console myself. And I can spend a few more hours waiting in line at the post office to send more care packages. I don't think I'll get bored.)
11. "OH that can't happen he needs to come home now"!
(What? Excuse me? Do you think we have that choice? This one might not be as common but this seams to come out of the mouth of my mother a lot.)
12. "I heard on the news that they are trying to get soldiers home early, I think he is going to be one of them, (or) do you think he will be one of them."
(Again, what? Excuse me? First of all don't believe anything you hear on the news, they only tell you what you want to hear. And no they aren't coming home early, they are on orders. If anything they will keep them there longer! STOP ASKING!!)