Horrid Night of Sleep

I had a horrible night last night, and I’m sitting here typing this, I just feel really down and depressed and would just like to cry really.

Little Man had a fever from teething, so he just wouldn’t go down in his own bed, frustrating and I’m just at the end of my rope dealing with this not sleeping in bed thing. So I just lay him down in Mommy’s bed and he goes to sleep on his own. Which brings up another issue, do we take him out of his crib now or wait until after we move to Texas? Would he sleep in his own room just in a big bed?

But go out to Crazy Daughter, we read some books and then we brush our teeth, we can’t go into my bathroom because of Little Man, so we use the other bathroom, and of course Crazy Daughter notices Little Man is in Mommy’s bed. Crazy Daughter just doesn’t go to bed; I lay down with her, on her tiny toddler bed and still no falling asleep. So I tell her (I’m such a pushover) if she goes into mommy’s bed to sleep mommy is going to sleep in the living room on the couch. Honestly I just can’t sleep with the two of them.

Jump to 11:30 PM, after countless times of getting up she finally wakes up Little Man. I’m of course, beyond upset now, I’m tired, and I am beginning to understand what those mothers feel when they want to hurt their children. I lay down at the end of the bed and after much moving around, they fall back asleep. And I sleep at the tiny edge of the bed, being kicked by my daughter. Not a good night of sleep at all.

My alarm goes off at 6 AM and I just want to get out of bed and have my coffee and spend some time praying, to get my attitude set for the day. But honestly I just want to crawl back into bed, my own bed, with no kids, and cry myself to sleep.

Big Guy is online but he’s preparing to go on a mission tonight, so he’s in that “mode” not really talking, just there online. And honestly would I want him any other way right now? He does need to be prepared to go out on the streets of Iraq, where bad guys want to hurt him. So I’ve told him what happened last night, but I haven’t related how I’m feeling.

It’s funny, after nearly a year on being on antidepressants; you would think my depression would be gone. I’ve been in counseling, life actually has been better, it’s just we are nearing the end of the deployment. I am so done being the single parent, dealing with these kids every day, day in and day out. I want him home, I want him to be the dad and take some responsibility and help with the kids, help with the housework. And I guess I’m frightened that when he does come home, he won’t. I mean let’s face it, he is going to be dealing with a lot, being gone a year and coming back to a house that has changed, kids have grown up, and a wife who has changed and won’t deal with the same crap as she would have before he left. It’s got to be difficult on them too.

So maybe I’m stressing over the whole process, dealing with living together again. Not to mention working on the whole pain, crap, that has become our marriage. Learning to trust again and him learning to be trustworthy again. It’s a lot of pressure, on both of us.
So that’s what is going through my head this morning. I’m drinking lots of coffee, trying to deal with the major lack of sleep from last night. Praying and getting back in line with God so this day will be better than last night.